HopeFul Reflections

I’m used to keeping things to myself. I’m an older brother and the eldest child of an immigrant household. I’m used to pushing feelings aside. I’d say I did pretty well thriving in the expectations that my family had for me. That means I was good about ignoring my problems and just carrying on. The problem is I’ve developed poor habits which are most likely coping mechanisms in response. I’ve been thinking recently that my head has been feeling heavier than usual. I’ve got a big head, but I’m pretty sure it hasn’t been growing, hopefully. I haven’t been able to think as clearly as before. I’ve had a lot on my mind.

I remember when I was younger I used to keep all my problems to myself and tell myself I would be weak if I needed help. I looked down on the idea of needing anyone for anything because I was entirely self-sufficient. I was also comforted by the anger. As strange as it sounds, anger feels warm and so does love. I could delude myself into thinking in those moments that my anger toward my own weakness and that of others was warmed and more reliable than love. It wasn’t, but I couldn’t tell and I didn’t know much different. Then when I felt comfortable enough to open up to others it was terrifying. I’ve had so many times when I felt betrayed by people I thought were my friends. Opening up requires a lot of vulnerability and honestly requires a lot of strength, especially when you’ve been burned, but I stand by it.

I often have times when I just have a lot on my mind and this just happens to be one of those times. It’s always fine, but when there’s a lot on my mind I just tend to lose perspective and think my entire life is these problems. It made me remember how much I valued my friends. I miss them because I felt free to share my problems with them uninhibited. I’ll always be fine, but it was always nice to have someone around who cares and if they’re reading this I hope they know I love em and miss em.

I happen to have some top notch friends. I used to see them all the time and study, eat, and play games with them. We were entirely different people, but I loved having their support. These people thought of me. These people checked up on me. These people spoke so much more kindly to me than I did myself. I didn’t have to doubt our friendship because I could count on their support at all times. I’ve got one friend who drops everything in their life just to help me. Whether I feel down, alone, or just hungry. It didn’t matter what they were going through, they showed me how big a heart can be. I’ve got another friend who showed me how much a heart can forgive and I’ve never forgotten that. I’ve got another friend who showed me how understanding a heart can be and I wonder if it’s even possible that I can do the same. I only found these people fairly recently, but I thank God for their friendship. They remind me I’m not alone. I hope I’ve been good to them.

It’s been a stressful time, and I plan to take some time to myself to get through it. However, it’s been so nice to think back and know that I finally found people who care about me. I hope I can be better for them and in honor of them. They loved me enough to care about me when I didn’t, I ought to try seeing what they saw.

-JKG