HopeFul Reflections

I think I like the way I have lived my life. I am happy with who I am and what I have done thus far. I don’t really look back too harshly on myself or angrily wonder why I didn’t do more. I think this is because I always do what I feel I must. When I want to hug my loved ones, I do. When I want to say something sappy, I do. When I want to try something that’s 80% likely to embarrass me, I still do it because I think it will be fun. I’ve joined dance workshops, stood behind random lines in public to see where they go, and I’ve talked to random people just to see if I’ll have a nice conversation. I am very well aware of the fact that all these things can go horribly wrong, but I care so much more about it going well or interesting. Even if it goes terrible at least it was new and I can talk jokingly about it in retrospect.

Now for the question my girlfriend always asks me:

Why am I like this?

Well, I think it’s because I know what it’s like to wish I could be something or do something. I think I have just felt so strongly about these dreams that I never want myself to be the reason why I don’t achieve them. This means as long as I can be safe, I don’t run through my money, and I have the means, I want to do what I can to try. I simply want to say I tried. Even if I fail horrifically, I want to say I gave it my best shot. I ‘ve failed plenty times, but when I did fail I felt I gave it my best so I don’t feel bad at all. Here’s an example: I joined a muay thai class this year. I really wanted to say I tried to learn to defend myself. I had horrible anxiety before every class. I wanted to run away during class. At first I was terrified of being severely hurt in class which was fairly irrational in my situation. After a few classes and a few good shots to the head, I realized I wasn’t made of glass. In fact I have a pretty hard head. Then, as silly as it sounds, I was afraid of hurting others. I worked with some friends and realized its all in fun and I conquered this fear.

What Did I Gain?

After a year and plenty of missed classes due to fear and wanting to avoid accumulating injury, I’d say I’m definitely a beginner. Does this mean I failed? No, not at all. I’d like to say I came out of this class as batman, but what I can appropriately say is a learned a few things. I am definitely improved since I first started the class. I gained confidence in my body and conquered my fear of getting hurt. I realized I could show up to something really difficult even when my body was screaming at me to run. Do I still get my butt handed to me by a lot of the class? Most definitely. However, I still improved and I came to learn self defense, not start fights, and I think I have learned that.

What Did I Lose?

Well I definitely spent a lot of money that I can’t get back on those missed classes. However, knowing I missed those classes and refusing to cancel my membership actually pushed me to keep going. I also lost my fear. I lost it by showing up and facing my fear each class. I’d like to add I also made it easier on myself by sparring with classmates who were kind and not trying to show off in class. Then as I got more confident I could spar more broadly. I don’t believe in trying to face a fear of spiders by entering a room full of spiders. I believe in talking about spiders, looking at pictures, then possibly seeing one in a glass container.

Conclusion:

I gained some skills. I conquered some fear. I lost some money, though not an obscene amount. I made a friend. Overall, it was a good experience. I didn’t get everything I wanted out of it, but I got what I could by showing up and trying my best. No regrets.

-JKG